No one likes conflict. I know I don't. For part of my life my goal was to avoid it as much as possible.

The problem with avoiding conflict is that it's like a ticking time bomb, and eventually it catches up to you.

After reading lots of books, attending classes and having personal coaching, I've learned a few steps I can apply for myself to make having difficult conversations easier.

I am not an expert in this at all. I have a long ways to go and honestly, who knows if I'll ever reach perfection on this side of eternity.

But I try my best and get up when I fail.

I'll share some of the actions I've taken in this article, and I hope at least one encourages you.

Enjoy!

1. Be empathetic

Sometimes when we go into a difficult conversation, we do it wearing our emotional boxing gloves and flexing our mental muscles. The truth is, having a difficult conversation with someone, whether they're in the wrong or we are, is not about us winning anything that costs the other person.

Being empathetic means allowing the person to share their heart without making them feel bad. It's being a good listener, and avoiding defensiveness, especially when the person has a frustration with you.

Being empathetic is giving the person the benefit of a doubt - especially someone you know well. It's tragic when I hear of long time friends who have known each other for decades think the worst of one another without giving the other person a chance to share their perspective.

2. Reflect and clarify

Part of what I'm learning about being a good listener is being able to clarify someone's heart by reflecting what they're telling you. For example, after listening to someone share a concern, I might clarify what they're saying by asking questions like:

"Can you share more about that?"

"I want to hear more about that. Can you explain further?"

"Can you clarify a little more what you mean?"

I also try to reflect back what they're saying. This is crucial for me because of how easy it is to misunderstand someone's thoughts or judge their heart. Reflecting back can include something like:

"You were hurt because you thought I was ignoring you, is that right?"

"It feels like you were disappointed at not getting the same opportunity as the others..."

"You felt left out because I didn't send you a Christmas card this year, correct?"

Sometimes what I reflect back is spot on, but a lot of times the person I'm talking to clarifies their thoughts more which helps me understand a better picture of their heart.

3. Be affirming of their feelings

The worse thing we can do is make people feel crazy for feeling the way they do. Whether they've misjudged us or not, feelings are real, and attempting to talk people out of them is a bad idea. If I'm emotionally healthy, than I should be able to listen to people's concerns about me without getting defensive or deflecting. Instead, I'll be able to affirm their feelings by saying something like:

"You're right, I did slam the door this morning when leaving for work which is unusual for me."

"I understand where you're coming from. If you had done that to me, I'd probably feel the same way."

"I think most of what you're saying is true. I haven't been in the best mood lately."

If I'm truly at fault and acted out of line, I need to apologize for it and change my behaviors.

If I'm not exactly at fault and see there's been a misunderstanding, I should still try apologizing for how I made the person feel and validate their feelings.

4. Clearly communicate my intentions with love

If I'm at fault, I need to own up. But if there seems to be a misunderstanding, I need to express my intentions as clearly as possible and with a heart of love.

Using unhelpful statements like...

"You're way off!"

"You don't know what you're talking about"

"I can't believe you would think so low of me"

…are not helpful nor do they come from a heart of love.

If someone has misunderstood my intentions, I should explain myself as clearly as possible with a tone of grace. Some things I might say include:

"I raised my voice yesterday because I've been under a lot of stress from our manager. I'm sorry."

"I should have responded to your texts sooner. My week has been crazy with our team down sizing..."

"I honestly thought we had talked about this, otherwise I wouldn't have moved forward without your feedback."

I think one hard lesson I'm still learning is that there is a difference between clarifying your intentions and making excuses. The two can both sound the same, but they're not. Clarifying your intentions always starts by validating the other person's concerns and is communicated in love. Making excuses is all about defending yourself and proving the other person wrong.

5. Don't attack people, address problems

When I'm feeling attacked or misunderstood, it's easy for me to want to attack the person, but I need to avoid this at all costs and focus on resolving the issue.

Personal attacks deviate from the issue at hand. They move you and the other person farther away from healing, and they act as fuel that keeps the fire growing.

Examples of personal attacks can look like the following statements:

"I don't know why you're always sensitive. I think the issue lies more with you."

"If you'd be more of a team player, we wouldn't have problems like this."

"You need to get the log out of your own eye - look at all the mistakes YOU'VE made!"

On the flip side, it's also really easy to go on the offense when you're the one that is trying to address an issue with someone. If you're the one who's been offended, like me, you may have said things like:

"I think you're being a jerk by acting this way to everyone."

"Why are you so lazy when you come home?"

"Why are you sermons always so dry?"

Instead, I can better address the problem directly by saying statements like these:

"If some of the team can help me knock these deadlines out, that'll make me less stressed"

"I really do respect your feedback. It's just we're past the deadline to make any changes for this month."

"I should have been more clear with you. I turned down the marketing idea because we're out of budget for the quarter."

If you're the one who needs to confront someone about an issues, statements like these can be helpful:

"We talked about reaching these goals by September. What happen with that?"

"When you said this in your sermon, it sounded like you were advocating this issue?"

"When you came home, I ended up doing all the chores myself while you watched the game."

6. Express feelings and use "I" statements

This exercise works with the previous step. How you describe your thoughts and articulate the issue is important to healthy communication.

Whether I'm the one addressing an issue with someone, or I'm responding to an issue someone is presenting to me, phrasing my words using these methods helps bring about healthy resolution much more effectively:

Expressing feelings (focuses less on accusing the person and expressing how you felt)

"When you didn't do the dishes like you said, it made me feel let down"

"When we spend a large part of our meetings talking about sports, I feel like I'm not getting the most out of our meetings as I could"

"When you used that tone that other day, it felt like you were angry about something."

Using "I" statements can sound something like the following:

"I felt uncared for when you don't call to let me know you'll be late coming home."

"I feel confused when you tell me you'll do one thing, but don't follow through."

"I feel like it's hard to count on you when you tell me you'll get me those reports by Monday, and you're late every time."

Sometimes it's hard to remember how to phrase these statements in the middle of a difficult conversation, but the key is to keep working at it. Make it a habit. Don't give up.

7. Provide a next step or request

Hopefully by this point there has been some healthy dialogue. Both me and the other person have had a chance to share perspectives and listen to where the other person is coming from. The conversation is coming to a close, and it's time to identify any next steps that need to be taken.

A next step can either be a type of solution, proposal, option or preference. Sometimes the other person will ask you to do something to make amends, make a change or provide restitution. In these cases, I may or may not be able to accept the other person's next step, but if that's the case, I can offer a compromise. Below is an example of what this might look like:

Neighbor:

"I'd like your lawn to be greener than it is. It just leaves a bad impression of our street."

Me:

"I can't commit to making it green like yours. I can promise though I'll do better at taking better care of it so it's up to standards with the HOA.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, I haven't perfected this process. But this is the process I try aiming for. Even if you don't use all steps for yourself, I hope at least one of these is helpful for you.

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