"Why is Jay being such a jerk...: I thought to myself Sunday morning at church back in 2011. "Obviously he must have an agenda against me otherwise he wouldn't be acting so passive aggressive to me." I found my seat in the sanctuary and waited for the worship to begin. "I don't have the energy to play his game. I'm done making an effort."

I had this conversation inside my head several years ago when I first started attending the church I was at. You're probably thinking, "Whatever Jay did, it must have been pretty bad...:
I'll tell you what Jay did to me in a second, but first I want you to notice my thought pattern:

• "Why is Jay being such a jerk..."

• "Obviously he must have an agenda against me otherwise he wouldn't be so passive aggressive against me."

• "I don't have the energy to play his game. I'm done making an effort".

I don't know if you sensed the downward spiral of one thought fueling the next - but this is how I used to think about a lot of people when they would do something that set me off - but I didn't really have a reason to be set off - not when you looked at the evidence of their actions and realized they hadn't done anything harmful. I was simply acting out on some distorted beliefs I had about their situation. Counselors will call these thought patterns, "Unhelpful beliefs". I have my own favorite label for them: "Gas Logic".

Gas logic is when I rationalize and form views of my realities based on negative assumptions, often founded in cynical thinking of others. The root of this is often from undealt bitterness, grief, resentment or anger from the past. For example, when I was 11, I was kicked out of a gas station but an older woman because I looked "suspicious". For much of my younger teen years, I resented women of her resemblance. I was viewing my reality of others through the lens of my past hurts.

I'm convinced that most difficult people we struggle with - whether a customer, workplace employee or our neighbors - has a gas logic makeup. And the older they get and the more they fester their unhelpful beliefs, the higher the risk of them moving from being a difficult person to being a dangerous person.

The 4 Roots of where Gas Logic comes from

Counselors can give a better, professional perspective to this, but as I began spending years evaluating my thoughts and getting help for my attitude, I noticed my gas logic originated from four areas:

1. Resentment from other people's actions

Like the lady in the gas station who kicked me out as a kid, a lot of my ideas and beliefs were built on the fact that most people are judgmental and mean-spirited. And the longer I refused to forgive this person, the stronger my resentment became.

I think resentment can occur from other's actions toward us, but I also believe they occur because of people's actions we witness toward others. We see the hatred and damage human beings inflict on each other, and we begin to secretly despise them and the likes of them. We may not consider ourselves prejudice, but we are.

2. Grief from the endings of people or things

When my sister Rebekah passed away form cancer in 2010, I experienced a deep, unhealed grief for a couple of years. Grief is healthy and necessary when we take time to process it. But unhealthy grief is when we isolate ourselves from others and slowly become apathetic to the grief of others. This is what I felt for a short season.

unprocessed grief (not grief that's processed in a healthy way mind you) causes us to view others and their situations in an apathetic way. All we want to focus on is our own pain inside, so we downplay what they're going through, which create an open door for us to be critical of their hurts and pain.

3. Betrayal from friends or loved ones

This one is especially detrimental in fueling the fires of gas logic. Whether it's a family member or spouse who was abusive to us or a business partner taking advantage of us, betrayal from a trusted ally is one of the deepest hurts we can ever experience. I've had my share of people betray my trust, as I'm sure you have too.

The insidious nature of betrayal is that it can cause us to lose all hope in the good of all people. It causes us to think "If this is what a trusted friend of 20 years can do to me, then there is no hope in humanity." The loss of hope leads to passivity and a scary perception of reality.

4. Broken dreams or shattered vision

The deep disappointments in life often come when we realize, "What was meant to be will not." What we had envisioned for our futures, our families, our careers, our health - is not anymore. For me, this area is closely related to grief because it stirs up the same emotions grief does. But it's unique in it's own way.

Shattered vision isn't just the death of something or someone else - vision in itself is deeply connected to your heart. We dream of what could be because of the issues that are heavy to us the most, and we form our lives around the solutions we passionately believe in.

The dreams and visions in our lives are what drive us, our marriages, our relationships and often our season in life. Vision is often knitted into the very fabric of our soul. When it shatters, a part of us does too.

I remember when the vision of owning a cleaning company shattered in November of 2019. All the time, effort, planning and money spent to grow a successful business broke my dream of being financially successful in this area, and broke a part of who I was. All the conversations I had with my wife and the sacrifices she made with me seemed fruitless. I found it was very easy to form gas logical thoughts such as "It's not worth starting a business... people who try are just plain stupid."

5. Dramatic changes in normal sociological environments

When COVID-19 hit, I remember how much my mental wellness was effected for multiple reasons. Not only was I cut off from personal interaction but I witness all of the trauma our country experienced on the political and cultural spectrum. And I noticed how much this change made me worse in the following areas:

• More critical of others motives

• More irritable when people didn't see things my way

• More defensive when someone tried disagreeing with me

• Less empathetic to the needs of others

• Less filtering of my thoughts I formed of others

I also saw how many employees were quitting their jobs, perishers were leaving their churches and long time friends cutting each other off over over the gassy beliefs they carried about each other. Unfortunately traumatic social changes in our normal lives can impact our way of thinking and behaving towards others.

The 3 Attitudes of Gas Logic

When I allowed my gas logic to fester inside me, the negative impact it had on my behavior and attitude was concerning. The thought pattern I used to begin this blog article was very consistent in my life. When I look at this thought patterns and others like it, there are three toxic attitudes that I identify:

1. Suspicion - Doubting the good in people's actions
"Why is Jay being such a jerk"

What did Jay do to me?
I'm a little embarrassed to admit it now, but Jay had "failed" my expectation that Sunday morning because he was a greeter at the lobby doors and he did not shake my hand as I walked past him, nor did he make eye contact with me. I know. This sounds so childish in hindsight. But isn't it interesting how small things like this trigger these kinds of massive reaction?

• Someone cuts us off in traffic so we give them the finger and cuss them out (that'll show them).

• A shooting occurs in our neighborhood because someone felt they had to do more than flip the other driver off

• We stomp out of our jobs or decide to start our own company because we don't agree with how our employer marketing strategy

• A customer fails "good morning" back to us so we look at them as rude or unkind

• A pastor doesn't preach using the "style we prefer" so we stomp out in a hissy fit to find a better church.

What was my first reaction?
To see his deeds in a context of suspicion. Why wouldn't I, a disciple of Jesus, start with a heart of grace instead of suspicion? Because gas logic is nestled in a mindset of condemnation. When you look back at it's four roots, you see the strong judgement it has not only on others, but on ourselves. When we're self-condemned, there is no room for grace toward others.

That's what my gas logic was doing to me. Withholding grace from Jay.

2. Cynicism - Assuming the worst of other's motives
"Obviously he must have an agenda against me otherwise he wouldn't be so passive aggressive against me."

Here, you can see where my mind immediately assumed the worst of Jay. The reality is Jay never did anything that should make me think the worst of him. You've probably already thought of several alternative thought-responses compared to mine.

Gas logic does that though. It causes you automatically believe the worst about someone's character - even if their reputation should cause us to give them the benefit of a doubt.

3. Sentencing - Punishing others by refusing to clarify the truth
"I don't have the energy to play his game. I'm done making an effort.".

The moment I assumed the worst about Jay's character was the moment I determined Jay's fate would be my passivity in the friendship. By saying to myself that I wouldn't play his game, I was determining to withdraw any effort to clarify Jay's heart or share my feelings. There wouldn't be any trial for him. He was guilty to me. He never had a chance.

As I think about this, I'm reminded of a pastor friend of mine who shared how his family was cut off from friends of theirs around the COVID-19 pandemic. They had been friends for decades. Whatever the conflict was though, these people refused to let this pastor try reconciling with them. Their sentence was already passed. And their punishment toward his family was one of the most emotionally destructive things I've witnessed a family go through.

5 Steps for addressing Gas Logic

By God's grace I began working on my issues with gas logic, and today I'm thankful to say I am nowhere close to the person I was in 2011. I still have to work daily to keep my thoughts and attitudes in check - just ask my wife. But when I realized I had it and decided I wanted to change it, it became much less prevalent in my life.

Below are some of the intentional steps I took to address the gas logic in my life:

1. I surrendered each thought to the Holy Spirit

The Bible says, "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23. The moment I began acting as the "keeper" of my heart and surrendering those toxic beliefs to God, I began to fill his power transform my thinking.

Our sinful nature can keep us so depraved of being aware of our gas logic, that we really do need the power of the Holy Spirit to convict us and show us the truth. I make it a regular practice to humbly go before God and ask him to reveal and convict me of the sinful thoughts and feelings I might be blind to.

2. Evaluate your thoughts and feelings

Part of being a "keeper" of your heart begins with evaluating which thoughts and emotions you experience in different situations. Below are some good evaluation questions to ask:

Thought questions:
- What is it exactly I am believing about this person or situation?
- What actual evidence exists that supports this belief?
- What are some clear, identifiable examples of this evidence being present?

Feeling questions:
- What are some of the feelings I have when I think this thought?
- Why do I feel this way? What's causing me to react the way I am?
- Is it possible I'm making someone else a steward of my feelings? If so, how?

When I ask myself these questions, I write them down in a journal, along with my answers. There's something about getting my thoughts and feelings on paper that helps me better evaluate them from a clearer perspective.

3. Own my attitude and behaviors
If these feelings or thoughts have effected my behavior toward others, I need to take responsibility for that. That's hard to do. Most of the time, I'd rather justify why I acted the way I did. Some of the poor excuses I make sound like this:

• If they hadn't acted the way they did, I wouldn't respond the way I did..."

• I only said those hurtful words because of how insensitive you were being..."

• If they don't want me to call them names, they should step it up more..."

It's always easier to make excuses to justify our unhelpful behaviors. Some professionals call this deflecting. Instead of deflecting with excuses, we must reflect with responsibility by taking actions like:

• Refusing to continue in this cycle of negative behavior

• Do an attitude check (ask other people like your spouse how they perceive your attitude and let them give you feedback)

• Apologizing to others if needed

4. Learn to be honest with others with a humble heart
One of the worst punishments we can inflict on others is staying bitter at them without giving them a chance to share their side of things. If someone does or says something that makes you feel concerned, it's okay to clarify your thoughts with them.

In their book course 'Emotionally Healthy Relationships' Peter and Geri Scazzero address how do be honest about issues with others and working through them using the 'Incarnational Listening method' which includes the following steps:

As the Speaker:

• Speak in the "I"

• Keep statements brief

• Stop to let the other person reflect back or paraphrase

• Include feelings

• Be honest, clear, and respectful

As the Listener:

• Give the speaker your full attention

• Step into the speaker's shoes

• Avoid judging or interpreting

• Reflect back as accurately as you can what you heard them say

• When you think they're done, ask: "Is there more?"

• When they are done, ask: "Of everything you have shared, what is the most important thing you want me to remember?"

If you don't want to make the situation a big issue, but would still like clarity, Peter and Geri recommend using the 'Mind Reader' approach. It's quick and sincere, and simply uses the following two questions:

• "Hey, can I have permission to read your mind?" or "Can I check out an assumption that I have with you?"

• When they say yes, ask: "I think that you think... is that correct?"

5. Get advice from a trusted person
In his book 'The Next Generation Leader' Pastor Andy Stanley says, "Self-evaluation is helpful. But evaluation from someone else is essential." Solomon said it this way "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17.

There are a couple of mentors in my life that I will run by some ideas or perspective I have. In my head they sound reasonable (and logical...) but as my mentor reflects them back to me and provides their perspective, I immediately begin seeing the faults in my mental narratives.

You may need to pay a licensed counselor to help process some of your thoughts and feelings with, especially if they've been a part of you for a long time. The benefit with talking with a professional counselor is:

1. They are much more skilled at helping people unpack and identify the gas logic that they might be blind to
2. They can validate whether your thoughts or assumptions are true about someone

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